SHE SWALLOWED UP THE SUN

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Three weeks Annie had been wearing that ring. Three weeks. She guessed it was a long time, and it was. Three weeks since she had made one of the biggest commitments she could ever think of, and she hadn’t even noticed when she had put it on. That’s because she didn’t really care, she didn’t have any immediate plans to take it back or fall through. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t affect her, because the reality was, it was a huge thing. It was a good milestone, it had been a good Christmas for her. But… she would be the first thing to admit that things had gone down hill since then. Annie… was starting to loose a lot of confidence in herself. She didn’t know what had caused it, but she had kind of dipped into this sort of depression. Actually, that was a lie; she knew exactly what caused it. She had stopped. She’d stopped with… the eating disorder. It was difficult for Annie to confront the word bulimia, as difficult as it was to confront that she had stopped. But she hadn’t really stopped, not yet. She was stopping. She was trying her hardest to shake that demon.

But quitting had just as many side effects as continuing.

That was the other mile stone the ring held for her – that was when she had officially stopped. And you could see the trends in their relationship since then. Annie was afraid to let Denny touch her after she had left his house Christmas day. It got worse as the weeks had gone on. She couldn’t deny him anything, of course, but she was much, much more hesitant towards him. Like she was afraid. But not afraid of him, she could never be – although that was a lie to, because if he were to yell at her as she knew he was capable of she would be terrified… she would never show that though, she would just yell back. Because that’s how Annie was. She didn’t confront anything. She got defensive. And that was the perfect word to describe her in these weeks. Defensive. She was alert to every noise, she wrapped her arms around herself and couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. The stress of her poor self image was getting to her, and she had given up the easy way out. Annie didn’t know what to do anymore without that. She didn’t know what to do with herself, and she didn’t know what to do with Denny. She didn’t avoid him, or shy from his touch. She just… made it seem like she was better without it. They both knew it was a lie, but she was just afraid. From the way she was acting, one might think she was insane or on an arsenal of drugs.

But she wasn’t. She was just Annie.

The stress was eating away at her. She didn’t know what to do anymore. Outside a convenient store she fumbled in the cold with the box of cigarettes, struggling to keep her eyes open because she just wanted to squeeze them tight. She couldn’t believe what she was doing. She lit the lighter. She couldn’t watch herself do this. But she lit the cigarette that was hanging between her two shaking fingers. And the guilt… she couldn’t take it. Annie leaned down and sat on the curb as watched it ash up and condense and then fall off the end slowly, almost unwillingly but still too inevitable, like a death sentence. The last time Annie had smoked was the first time she had kissed Denny. She watched the smoke swirl in the air from the end, and she wanted to cry. Her life wasn’t her’s anymore, and all it took was her stomach to change the control. But when Annie thought about smoking, too lose weight, to lose stress, to add another vice in place of one she had literally starved off… it wasn’t right for her. Because when she saw it she saw her and Denver go backwards until she got to the morning where she had put that last fateful cigarette out on her balcony and stood up and Denny had just pulled her all the way against him and kissed her, and it was like she was suddenly reliving that moment, and she could smell him all around her, and feel his hands on her back and his lips on her’s and everything that was presently around her just kind of crumbled, and Annie just wanted this thing out of her hands. She shoved it down anywhere, and it hit the end of her thigh, right before her knee, and sizzled against her skin.

She wouldn’t have even noticed if she hadn’t seen it.

After that… it kind of just got worse until that pack was done, and then another, and then when her pockets were empty, she went home. Little scars behind her ear, dotted under her collar bones and under the find bone of her ankle, like a half moon. They speckled the back of her knees and lay deep in the hills between her knuckles. And after that it just kept getting worse when she bought another pack the next day. Twenty four convenient ways to scar herself, dragged out over seven days. By the time the third week had rolled around, twelve or so angry red spots, speckled in all shapes and some were scabbing, were marked on her arms.

It was a good thing it was winter, because now Annie could hide it all.

But she did miss Denny, as guilty as she felt for all of this. She needed to see him, needed to have him close even if she was afraid what he would feel if he touched her. She was so afraid of herself. She saw herself as this disease, this sickness that ravaged her from the inside out. It was killing her, just being alive. It was sick, just speaking. It hurt, just breathing. But when Annie was with him… that all just kind of went away. It was convenient.

She texted Denny and asked about the beach in an hour. She would go either way, so she just turned her phone off after that. If he didn’t come, she had another pack that she could entertain herself with. (And that was definitely a sick thought that should have worried her enough to stay home, or something.) It didn’t occur to her that taking it would be an easy way for Denny to find out. Annie was so preoccupied that she couldn’t keep her mind straight. But she took a nice amount of time to get ready, because she wanted to. She didn’t know what was compelling her… she just… she wanted to look pretty for him, okay? Was that really so bad? She could worry about things like that. She could take time to put on makeup that matched her eyes and her shirt and jewelry that was pretty and clothes that were nice. Pants that were comfortable, a long sleeve shirt that would – hopefully – cover her hands and would match her lips after the makeup, and a stylish coat to keep her warm. Annie didn’t have to dress the way she did all the time. She could make an effort. She could worry.

She was normal… Okay, so she wasn’t. But she could pretend.

The beach was different than it had been in her dream. It was sunny out; but still really cold because it was January. The water was really angry looking, but Annie ignored it and just kind of sat on the beach, and pulled her knees to her chest. The sand was going to be a pain in the ass with these pants, but she didn’t care. Lately she felt like her mind hadn’t been working right, maybe it was thinking backwards. It was impossible to keep up with, and would think one thing before giving her a reason and by the time she found the reason everything had a different connotation than it had started with, and it left her confused and upset and angry. But mostly tired, just exhausted with herself. That was part of the reason she had wanted to see Denny, she was hoping he could help. He always seemed to help her, and so maybe now he could help her find a way to keep her head straight, to understand herself a little better now that everything had changed.

Annie knew this wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to back herself up into this pit and expect Denny to pull her out. It wasn’t fair to be weird around him and hesitant toward him and then try to use him like this.

He deserved answers. It was just a shame Annie didn’t have any for him.




1,476 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - DEPRESSSINNNNGGGGGGG

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

Denny couldn’t disagree. He couldn’t remember a better Christmas, honestly. Sure, when he was a little kid he would get everything his heart could have possibly desired like the latest model of a power ranger or the newest version of Pac Man or whatever, but he’d never wanted anything more than he wanted Annie. Having her even in the same room as him on Christmas just made the entire day worth being awake for. He didn’t need any presents from her because Denny considered Annie to be a once in a lifetime gift, especially since she loved him as much as he loved her. So the fact that she let him get as close as he had, as close as he’d pulled her to him just made Denny feel like he was really worth something. It made him see himself in a different light than usual, but that didn’t particularly mean he got cocky with it. He just found himself actually liking who he was, actually liking what he was doing for once.

He felt her grab his hand and just held on, not really minding how tight her grip began to get. Denny didn’t care. The fact that Annie was even touching him just made him happy enough, even if he should have just been used to it by then. Annie always wanted him to touch her, and vice versa. It was just a sort of relationship thing he guessed, but then again what did he know? Denny knew nothing about being in a relationship. This was the first real one he’d ever had, and his experience was only gained through what he and Annie did together. Even the sex; all of it this was something Denny learned because of Annie. Of course, he knew a little bit about loving someone because he’d had a little sister. You know, romance movies with his mother were sort of something he’d had to sit through once or twice. But he hadn’t learned everything from movies and stories and what his parents had told him. That was only a fraction of what he now knew, and maybe if this hadn’t been Annie but someone else, he’d know a whole different universe of things from them. But the case was that this wasn’t someone else, and even though the thought had sort of tried to pass through Denny’s head, he didn’t let it. There was no one else, he told himself. Just Annie. Only Annie. Forever Annie.

“Definitely,” he said and smiled. He almost felt like he was too far away from Annie, but he really couldn’t do anything to fix that. His muscles were strained, but not in a bad way particularly, from the lack of time he’d had to recover. If this was going to be a reoccurring pattern, though Denny wouldn’t rely on that possibility, he was sure Annie would kill him. But to be honest, he wasn’t discontent with that thought. It didn’t put him on edge like it should have. He’d be worn out and burnt out before he could even think straight, but if it meant he got to love Annie then Denny wouldn’t complain. Either all of that would happen, or he’d just get a good workout. You know, when guys are in high school they do all of this excess research on sex even if they’re not getting any and no one really knows why. Well, Denny wasn’t exactly that guy, but he had friends that were. They’d filled in him on practically every physical benefit of sex they could find, and really Denny had just taken it for granted because he didn’t care for anyone to want to utilize that knowledge. No one until Annie. And even then, with Annie, it wasn’t about getting better through being physical. It was about being in love and just letting the rest of the world besides each of them go. To Denny, this was so much more than just being her boyfriend and getting into her pants, and he tried his best to make that blatantly clear to Annie.

Being pulled out of his thoughts wasn’t his favorite thing ever, but suddenly Denny was alert and sitting up straight as Annie was running around. His back and abs hurt a bit, but not in an unpleasant way. He was more startled than anything anyway. He didn’t mind having a naked girl run around his house though, even if that thought was so juvenile that Denny was almost repulsed by it. The sun on his back from the window behind him calmed him a bit though, reminding him that the sky wasn’t far. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, pulling his legs in with hesitation. They, too, were a bit stiff, but again, not in a way that made Denny just want to curl up and not move at all. It just made things a bit difficult for Denny, but he could push through it. Thankfully, Annie didn’t take too long, and when she was finally back his smile found his face again. He listened to her and obeyed, closing his eyes and waiting. The possibility of more than what he’d already been given crossed his mind, but he didn’t know what this could possibly be. He hadn’t asked for anything, and he wasn’t expecting anything. He felt something be put in his hands that were just spread out across the sheet on his lap, and when he was sure it was there for good, he opened his eyes.

Denny couldn’t believe it. Guitar strings. He wasn’t sure why he couldn’t believe Annie would get him guitar strings, except that she’d gotten him exactly the right ones, and she barely knew anything about his guitar. He didn’t even think about the witch that had broken his strings; the fact that Annie had just known somehow and had brought him a package of perfectly brand new, sparkling strings made his entire body smile. He leaned forward and placed a huge, happy kiss on her lips, then pulled back to see the strings. “These are perfect, Annie!” He was surprised, ecstatic, absolutely euphoric over these strings because it gave him a job back, first of all, and it meant he could spend any time he didn’t with Annie writing things that would end up turning out to be about her. It was almost scary how he just knew whatever he’d write would be about Annie, but neither of them seemed to notice that little detail just now. Denny just kissed Annie again and thanked whoever would be listening to his mental voice that he had her.

---

Three weeks go by, and Denny had just been stuck in a sort of mindset. Well, for the most of the time he had been anyway. He’d started out happy as he could possibly imagine on Christmas, and then every day a little bit of himself was eaten away at. The bits were tiny and nearly microscopic, but after a while all of the pieces were piled up and you could really see just how much of Denny he was losing. It just seemed like every time he was around Annie, something was wrong, and he couldn’t help but wonder if it had been something he’d done. Had she actually twisted his words or taken some weird meaning out of them about children? Had she just decided she didn’t want children but she didn’t want to tell him? What if – Denny could hardly think that. They’d been protected. Nothing had gone wrong, as far as he’d noticed. There was no way Annie had gotten pregnant, and even if she had would she know this early on? Denny didn’t know the first thing about any of that, and so his mind just wandered more and more every time he realized something was off with Annie.

He hadn’t tried talking to her about it in fear that he’d set her off or make her angry. Maybe she’d realized how much she’d changed already and she suddenly blamed him for it. But what if that was the truth? Denny would never forgive himself if Annie blamed him, even if he didn’t blame himself. There were just so many things running around his head and every time he saw her since Christmas they all just started to sit on each other until they were in a stack about a mile high, something Denny couldn’t keep standing on his own. He wasn’t built for it and he didn’t know how to handle so much baggage. But if Annie blamed him, she wouldn’t want him to handle the baggage. She’d want him to stay as far away from her as he could stay, even if that wasn’t far at all.

At first, Denny had shrugged some of these things off. The first few days after Christmas he’d thought maybe he was just the one overreacting. But then he’d seen her again and she was so distant that he started to really worry. He’d been there if she needed to talk, but so far she didn’t want to. Annie was spending all of this time in her head that Denny could tell, and it was starting to scare him. A week after Christmas, he’d actually started biting his nails in anticipation, the kind that forced people into mental facilities. A week ago from this particular day, Denny had bitten so low, he’d broken his own skin. This was really eating at him, especially because he didn’t know what he’d done or what he hadn’t done to have this happen. Plus, he didn’t understand what was happening, and that fact had crawled into his mind and started eating away like a parasite to his intestines. The other night he hadn’t been able to sleep, and every night since then he was lucky if he got a few hours of shut eye. The muscles he’d exercised when Annie had been over started to feel heavy, as if they were sagging under his skin. He just felt so weird, like he was stretched out and worrying too much over Annie.

But Denny knew her. Denny knew that when it came to Annie, there was never too much worrying.

The day before yesterday, Denny had actually talked himself into shifting. He just couldn’t take the constant ramble of mental images that sent him off the edge anymore. He couldn’t stand feeling so useless, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He was tired of not sleeping and tired because he couldn’t sleep, and so he’d stepped out onto his balcony and let his pajamas fall off of him as he shifted, instead of stepping out of them before shifting. He’d flown the coop, literally, and stayed away for as long as he could keep himself focused on anything unusual. The sky had been cloudy and the air had been strong and forceful, but Denny hadn’t cared. He flew through it all, churning and turning his mixture of emotions into one angry, awful feeling. Eventually that had started to eat away at him too, and he flew back home and found his pajamas a size too big. He sighed at that point, not really caring about his clothing. He picked the pants and shirt up by his talons and flew into his bedroom, ripping a few holes in his comforter on accident as he walked across his bed.

And except for the brief trip to the market the other day, a trip that had made Denny so insane that he’d almost lost it and exposed his madness in public through a good shift, Denny hadn’t left his apartment since then. He’d been cooped up and alone for……he couldn’t even remember how long, and that fact was starting to take a toll on his mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually eaten anything alive, or dead, or even anything that couldn’t be alive or dead. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d picked up his guitar and changed the strings, or the last time he’d picked up a piece of paper and started writing. Denver could hardly remember the last time he’d turned on the television. He felt so disconnected, so insane like if anyone found him he’d be locked up in a straight jacket with white, squishy walls surrounding him. He’d had plans to go out since he’d woken up from a dreamless nightmare at three a.m. He just needed to leave the apartment and see the world outside, maybe stop by Annie’s and see if she felt any better. But he didn’t roll out of bed, tired and exhausted and utterly bored until nine. He took a really long shower, so that when the hot water turned cold he just stood there and examined the way his fingers turned to tan prunes. He felt lifeless for fifteen minutes under the icy water until finally he coaxed himself out of the shower.

He took an extra long time getting dressed because suddenly the thought of the absence of the Monster had found itself front and center in his mind. He hadn’t felt that monster since his fight with that guy outside of the jewelers. He almost missed the way it had crawled along his veins under his skin, leaving a fearless, anticipating, excited feeling to his entire body. He missed the way he felt invincible with it in his system most of all. He missed the way it made him feel alive and aware at the same time, but that might be due to the fact that he had no life and no stamina to really do anything because of the mental swirl he’d been experiencing the last few days. He missed the way the Monster smirked for him, as if it was an old friend that Denny hadn’t greeted in a long while. He just missed the monster, missed the company it brought him since he really didn’t have any friends outside of Abby, Boss, and Annie. Denny sighed though, knowing that he wasn’t emotional enough for the monster to creep in and take over. He actually wanted to lose control to it right now, which was a sign of desperation for some sort of life within him. With that, he grabbed a pair of jeans, a hoodie, a blue shirt, and some Vans without laces.

While he was dressing he received a text, and when he red it Denver felt a sigh of relief fill his entire body. A hint of light entered his mind, and suddenly he could see the sun through the window of his room. He could feel the wind on his hands and neck, and it calmed him a bit. The fact that he still had his vulture personality gave him a bit of hope that life could be restored, and once he realized he was going to see Annie, he felt this wave of calm just wash over him. Maybe she wasn’t pregnant. Maybe she was just having an internal conflict. Maybe Denny could fix this easier than he’d thought he’d be able to. With her text, he turned his attitude around rather quickly, finding himself on the street, then the city bus in no time. He sat alone, but suddenly he didn’t care. He had a small, agreeing smile on his face the entire trip, and once he got to the stop closest to the beach, Denny exited and waited to cross the street. His feet suddenly felt light when he found Annie, alone and rather downtrodden. That didn’t change the fact that she looked absolutely stunning. Of course, Denny had seen her naked and disheveled and he really didn’t say anything to her about it because he found her absolutely gorgeous then, too. Even when he didn’t (and that was practically never), he never said anything against the way she looked. Denny knew Annie had major self conscious issues, and as her best friend first he’d kept those in mind. Now that he was her boyfriend, he felt it nearly impossible to even find a moment where she wasn’t the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, especially since he loved her to the degree that he did.

But that obviously wasn’t what she’d asked him here for. He wasn’t sure exactly what that was, but he sat down next to her and attempted to leave his hand out for her. “Hey,” he said softly, not wanting to scare her off. He felt like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. He wasn’t acting feral or animalistic, but he felt just…..almost rejected. He felt out of the loop and alone because he didn’t know what was going on in Annie’s mind, and it nearly killed him to think and feel in such a manner. “I missed you.” It was a simple saying, but it put him at ease knowing he could still be honest with her. It wasn’t like he’d changed all that much over the course of three weeks actually, but his mind had just taken the turn for the worst when she wasn’t responding to him. Denny looked out at the water quickly, unpleased by the calmness of the waves and the lack of the white sea foam hitting the sand. That puzzled him because he should have liked anything that was calm, but then again he wasn’t ever really completely content with the water. It wasn’t his territory, and after a while of looking at it Denny couldn’t find any more marvel about it than he could the local market. The sky was his place, his home, and most of the time there was always something about it that brought him a sense of wholeness.

Denver looked back at Annie and scooted a bit closer, still a bit apprehensive of her mood swings. It was sad that he was this scared of her, but Denny would rather be safe than sorry. “Sorry if I’m spacey.” He sighed and closed his eyes for a period of time that was too long to be counted as a blink. “I haven’t really been able to sleep well lately.” He kept avoiding saying that she was the only thing on his mind. He didn’t want her worrying too, because obviously Annie had her own things on her mind. Plus, that wasn’t exactly the truth. This morning he’d thought about the monster and yesterday he’d thought about shifting in the middle of the market. “But uh,” he started, trying to find the right words without taking too long. “Are…… Annie, I’m worried. Are you okay?” His eyes showed his concern.

THREE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED FUCKING GLORIOUS WORDS MY LOVE. -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- look at this. this post is my bitch. my fucking bitch. i'm so proud of it. even if denny is going nuts and kind of insane.

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Annie couldn’t look at him when Denny finally came and sat down next to her. Just next to her, not close enough. She wanted to reach out and touch him, or hug him, or kiss him or run her hands on his chest the way she liked to or just jump on him. But she couldn’t. Something just compelled her to sit there and stare at the tops of her knees. Denim underneath them made her want to wince when it rubbed against the burns because they had this raw, stinging feel. But she didn’t pay attention to him. She was so scared to move, and she couldn’t bear to look at him. Her eyes felt like they were already tearing up and if she looked at him she might just loose it all and burst into this entire mess of tears.

When he spoke, she felt jolted. Even though his voice was soft and calculating, she still turned her head to look at him, and there was this deer in headlights kind of expression there. But she pushed it away quickly. She had been startled. It was easier to do that now that she was on edge all the time, like she was standing on nails. Her life had been set into this weird thing that Annie could take this any more and her head hurt so bad. She just fell back against the sand, her knees still pulled up but her back on the ground and her hair swirling around and her hands in her pockets. I missed you. Annie turned her head slowly and looked at him. It was weird; she had been avoiding doing that for a while now. But she looked him head on, with this gaze that only Annie could have, like she was totally building him up and breaking him down in a matter of seconds. She studied his entire face, the shape of his eyes and his nose and his lips, things that she already knew but was just refocusing on. She needed to study it. She made a direct look at him, not blinking, not tearing her eyes away. She was quiet, and watched him. She didn’t look at his hand because she would want to hold it and she couldn’t. She just kept watching him, like when you come across a stray animal, and it watches you as you both stand there motionless. It tries to decide to move or to not move. It watches you to see what you will do first.

Finally, Annie closed her eyes, and turned her head back so that it was facing up.

Denny scooted closer to her, and Annie squelched her nose up. Was it possible that he was too close, but not enough? In these weeks things had changed a little, concerning them. Annie was back to no physical contact, but now that she had experienced as physical as it got, she couldn’t deny that was all she wanted. That wasn’t the right way to put it though, because it wasn’t like Annie needed to be naked in bed with him all the time. It was just that she couldn’t trick herself out of wanting his hands on her; even the lightest brush would suffice. But it would always end up making her want more. It wouldn’t work as much anymore though, because one touch would be too much. She was breakable now, much more than usual. She had pushed her mind to the edge of her head, cutting it off so it couldn’t feed off her thoughts, and it felt like it was dying. She had stayed away from Denny, locking her heart in the cage of her ribs so that it couldn’t feed off his touches and words. She was killing herself by not being with him, but she didn’t know what else to do. It had been the first things she could think to do, and, being Annie, she wasn’t likely to look past the first option. And she wasn’t sure why she was doing it, whether it was guilt or something else that made her suddenly so afraid to be with him.

And now, being with him, it was like a double bladed knife swinging by her; something was going to hurt. It was good that he was there, it was bad that he was there. Him being there calmed her, but it also put her on edge. Denver, in general, calmed all of Annie’s nerves and understood her secrets, but now she had a new secret and a shattered self-esteem to match. She listened to his words as his voice broke the silence, and Annie couldn’t think of the words to describe what was happening. She was in one of those terrible moods where you couldn’t really think about what was happening, you just kind of felt sick to your stomach and a little part of you just wished you could puke.

Although, with Annie, it was a fairly large part. Basically her entire body just wanted to retch on the sand, like that would relieve all her tension and stress.

Are…… Annie, I’m worried. Are you okay? But it wouldn’t. She knew it wouldn’t. ”Actually… I stopped – I stopped.” She didn’t know what word to put after that. She couldn’t think of what to tell him. “So now everything stays down.” Maybe that would work but it still felt awkward and stiff coming out of her mouth. ”Yeah, I guess that means I’m better than fine.” she was lying through her teeth with that, though. Some part of her wished he would, it was kind of obvious, too. She took her hands out of her pockets and played with one of the wooden buttons on her jacket. “I’m fucking fantastic…” she muttered quietly. Her hands shook and she couldn’t tell if they were cold or what, but then she realized what she was doing, and quickly put them back in her pockets.




exactly 1,000 ugh that's depressing - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - ANNIE YOU SRSLY NEED TO REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE BB.

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

The first thing Denny noticed was how Annie blatantly ignored his hand. She didn’t even look at it hardly, and he felt this pang of something he really couldn’t name. Was that disgust? Maybe it was a mixture of two things because the first thing that came to mind was the sensation that he just wanted to puke. The second sensation felt as if someone had taken an extremely sharp object…..like a harpoon, and shoved it right through the center of his chest. It felt like he was shocked in place because of the impact, and suddenly all he could think about was how much it hurt. He’d never felt this way before, and it took him a minute to realize that this….this was heartbreak. This was his heart, however big or small it was, breaking off in pieces and floating around in his chest cavity. All because she didn’t even give his hand a thought, even though he’d left it out for her. The third sensation was that everyone had gone through once in their lives hopefully. It was the feeling of his throat closing up, which eventually was followed by even more aching in his chest from his lungs needing air. But his throat was closed and he could feel his head start to swell a bit because he was trying so hard not to cry.

With his mouth now hanging open, Denver retracted his hand and laid it on one of his legs, staring at it like it was diseased. What was wrong with him? He didn’t think he smelled bad because he’d just taken a shower, and he didn’t think he looked horrible because he took so long to pick out his outfit. Then what was wrong with him? And, on another note, why was he so convinced this was his fault? Because Denny was just naturally used to blaming himself. After the accident, everything had been fault. Your sprinkler stopped working? Denny had gone in and turned the timer off. Your cat was missing? Denny had it hostage in his basement. Your car won’t start and it’s plainly written out why (i.e., you don’t have the keys in the ignition)? Denny did it. Denny didn’t know the first thing about cars, and somehow people had found a way to blame him first. After a while of being the criminal in every situation because of something he’d done for his sister, Denny had just gotten used to the blame and eventually started to blame himself. Now everything that went wrong was his own fault, and he’d thought he’d worked on that since him and Annie had shared that first kiss. Now, on the beach, second guessing everything meant that all of whatever progress he’d made was completely wiped out. And knowing that made Denny feel totally used and gross, like he was just some doll but it was his own damn fault for being that way.

Annie laid back and completely ignored him. Well, almost completely ignored him, but from the way Denny’s mind hadn’t stopped reeling for the past three weeks, it seemed to him like she was ignoring him. He knew if he got mad for whatever reason, he’d end up tearing that ring from her finger and throwing it into the water, just because that was how the monster would act. It was funny how, when the monster came out of nowhere, like during a fight, Denny could never comprehend its workings or methods, but when he hadn’t felt the presence in three weeks, nearly an entire month, he could work out everything and see it before his own eyes. Thankfully, he didn’t feel mad. He couldn’t even detect a sense of anger within his system; he was just really, extremely morbid and the only person he could find to blame for that was himself. He didn’t even know why, and he realized that nothing was starting to make sense again. He didn’t feel like his promise to her was hollow, but he knew if he ended up screaming and turning red with rage, he’d feel differently. The more and more he thought about his relationship with the monster, the more and more dirty he felt. But the more and more Annie didn’t hold his hand or even look at him, the more and more sickened he became with himself. It was like he had the chicken pox or something; his entire body just wanted to shut down and never start up again, but there he was, sitting there and resisting the urge to just get up and go back home. She doesn’t love you. Really, who did you think you are? No one loves you. It ran through his mind until he kicked it mentally in the ass, banishing the thought to the sea where it would stay. He kicked the sand a bit as a reflex, part of pushing the thoughts out of his mind and into the water before him.

And then Annie was speaking, and it took a minute for Denny to tune into what she was saying. He didn’t believe a word about being fine. Not at all; for the moment she was saying it, he realized he had a burning hatred for the word ‘fine’. Through that, he couldn’t help but look at her laying down, notice how enticing she was to his eyes. Again, there was the thought and the feelings and he realized he did love her, and he had promised he was never going to leave her. But because of that promise and this undying loyalty he’d felt towards Annie, he also felt like she’d been the one that had left him. He felt utterly dumped, like he was at square one again. Denny saw Annie and he knew he’d given her the ring three weeks ago, but he felt more like he was just her best friend again who was slowly falling for her. It tore him in two to think that, to feel that way honestly. He’d worked so hard to get to where he’d gotten, and he knew on some level he’d deserved everything she’d let him have. But this? What had he done? What had gone wrong and how could he fix it? Denny really just wanted to cry, and with his mouth open and the deep breaths he was being forced to take due to the closing of his throat, he hoped Annie could tell that much. ”Well,” he started, “that’s good.” He still couldn’t wipe the look off his face or understand why he’d felt so obliged to come down here and talk to Annie if all that it was going to cause him was pain and misery.

Annie’s hand reached up and started playing with her button, and Denny caught a glimpse of something quickly before she shoved her hand back into her pocket. “Fantastic?” he asked, a very inquisitive, worried, and yet still shaky tone to his voice. He wasn’t sure what was happening anymore; was he angry? Denny didn’t know. Was he sad? Denny couldn’t say. Was he broken? Well, he was still in one piece, but he knew that Annie wouldn’t be if he didn’t investigate soon. Denny held his hand up a bit, almost ready to snatch up Annie’s hand and examine it, but he realized just how untouchable she was. She didn’t want him to touch her, and from the way she’d been acting he felt like she didn’t even want him around. He felt so rejected and the pride and confidence he’d built up because of her wanting him around was just completely shot. Still, his curiosity seemed to outweigh the fact that he’d been rejected by the girl he loved, and knowing that his touch wouldn’t send her over the edge because of the way he had bounded her back from this sort of situation almost Christmas morning, Denny decided that taking a chance was worth it.

His hand came up even more and reached out, gently taking Annie’s by the elbow and pulling back slowly. He gave her leeway to pull away from him, but he didn’t think she would, even if his entire world had pretty much been crushed since stepping off of the bus. Once her arm was completely in his grasp, he could see the burns on her knuckles, and he sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. “This is fantastic?” He wasn’t shouting, but his ears were so sensitive that he felt like he was. Denny noticed the way the burns he was looking at started moving up and under her sleeve, and from the bottom of his vision he could see the pack of cigarettes in her pocket. He’d never asked her to give up that habit; Annie had done that on her own. He wouldn’t have really been disappointed if she’d taken it back up because that was her choice, but this was not what cigarettes were made for. Denny’s other hand came up and slowly moved her sleeve back, and his stomach started clenching with every new burn he found. “Annie, this is not fantastic.” Some of these burns were scabs, some of them new and fresh and grotesquely raw. Denny didn’t notice, but he’d turned himself completely and was sitting Indian style with Annie’s arm across the span of his legs, but hanging right in front of his face. “So all you really did was trade off?” He still wasn’t angry – still more heartbroken than anything – but he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Quickly Denny felt repulsed, and suddenly he had let go of her arm and stood up, walking almost too close to the farthest point that the water had reached on the sand. He put his hand over his mouth and bent over, waiting for the heaving to start. He guessed throwing up was better than crying, though both would serve a horrible blow to his already diminished pride. But just as quickly as the repulsion had come, it was gone. Once he wasn’t looking at the burns, Denny felt physically better, and he was able to stand up. His hand didn’t leave his mouth, and the other sort of tried to wrap itself around his stomach, like maybe he’d still vomit if he even turned around again. But he had to. Denny had to turn around and figure out what happened so he could try and fix it, fix himself because he was convinced all of this was his fault. When he was sure he could stomach it, Denny turned around again and sat in his spot, holding the ends of his hoodie sleeves in the palms of his hands. His eyes were watery when he opened them again, and he looked at Annie, hoping she would catch that detail and see how pained he was because of this entire situation. “What are you doing, Annie?” His voice was just above a whisper now. Denny’s throat had made it nearly impossible for him to even get that much out.

“What did I do wrong?”


1852 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- denny. you're not a girl. stop acting like one.

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Panic swelled up in Annie when he reached for her elbow, but she couldn’t move. She was frozen, watching him through wide eyes as he looked at her hand. This is fantastic? He wasn’t yelling, but Annie wanted to. She wanted to stand up and shout at him until she was red in the face. I don’t know! she wanted to scream until there was no more air in the world for her to do it with. But she couldn’t. She could just sit there helplessly as he peeled her sleeve back. She saw what he saw, but now she saw it through his eyes as she watched repulsion set in on his face. To her they had been useless blotches of skin that were forgotten as soon as the next one was cast into place. But to Denny they were burns. They would scar for a year or two, and haunt them and follow them and hover over their heads. They were marks of something that had gone terribly wrong, but nothing had gone wrong; only Annie. She had started to go right, and at the last minute broke under the pressure.

Annie, this is not fantastic. Annie’s body wanted to rebel against him. Oh, but it is! she felt compelled to say. It freed her more than she could think, that’s what her body said. It didn’t focus on the reality of how unhealthy it was. It didn’t focus on the reality of how sick she was becoming. Because she was, she was getting out of hand and she was breaking from the inside out. But she didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t want to think about how good things had been going just a few weeks ago, how she’d broken down her walls and Denny was there to protect her instead. She couldn’t even think back to the events that lead to the new habit, only that it had been impulse. She couldn’t remember why she had crept back into this seclusion from him. But a good theory was that it was fast; granted, Annie had been the one fueling their entire relationship but she had never known how to pace herself. She could easily get herself worked up and then tear herself apart. It was just like her over active mood swings. But right now her body wanted to disagree with him. It wanted to tell him about how every time a burn had made it to her skin some little problem had been erased.

What it wanted to hide was that just as many problems had sprung up as had been “cured.”

Annie knew that instead of holing herself up for strength, she should have immediately gone to Denny. She shouldn’t have stayed by herself and let her mind waste away to the point of this sickness like she did. He would have been willing to help – more than willing if it meant that she let go of her vice. But she hadn’t, because she didn’t like admitting a vulnerability. Sure, quitting was stronger than continuing, but the state it put Annie in made her very open to anyone’s eyes and words and emotions and motives. But that was just another reason why she should have stayed with Denny; he could keep his eyes closed and his mouth shut and just have his arms around her to keep her away from everyone else. Because that was all she needed. She didn’t need this self-strength shit. She needed him.

And she had him, but she had pushed him away….

Like he was doing to her now.

He let go of her hand and it fell uselessly to her side, and she sat back up, burying her hands in her sleeves and pockets, resting her head on her knees as she watched him walk away. She wanted to shake like she had when she came to his house on Christmas eve, she was so nervous of what he was thinking. Repulsed. He’s absolutely disgusted by me. I’m a disease. She wanted to close her eyes because she felt like she couldn’t watch this anymore, but somehow they stayed open. It was like they were defying the odds by doing that. He walked too close to the water, so it was a good thing it was calm. She got this weird déjà vu of when she had just walked in the water and accepted her fate. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want to sit here like some dead thing as Denny made decisions for her, as she felt gross and unused and unwanted because of everything that she had done wrong, everything that she was and everything she had been. He bent over with his hand on his mouth and Annie wanted desperately to bury her head in her hands but she couldn’t. She was stuck watching him with this weird, raw fascination that made it to where she just couldn’t tear her eyes away. It just reinforced her thoughts, seeing him driven so close to being sick.

Repulsed. He’s absolutely disgusted by me. I’m a disease.

I am a ravaged casualty.

He turned back to her, still in the same position. “Please,” she begged, her voice sounding scratchy because her throat felt so weird. She hadn’t even noticed it, but she had started crying. Her lips were pulled in that weird grimace that came around when you were crying from emotions, and she couldn’t see it was all watery and she was sure her makeup was running down in big fat globs on her cheeks, like rolling a snowball down a hill. “… just don’t do that. Look at me, please.” She wanted him to look at her and see that she was wrong. She didn’t want him to look away and know the same thing. She didn’t want him to get sick by her. Maybe he was doing that because of the burns, but that was her. It was her body, her wounds, her hand that had caused them.

Repulsed. He’s absolutely disgusted by me. I’m a disease.

I’m so wrong that no part of me has ever been right.

But it felt like at some point all of her had been right. Laughing and smiling and cuddling, Annie had felt right. She felt like Denver had put some sanity into her, felt like he had given her this bran new way to see things. Everything made sense, and nothing was scary. It was enthralling and exhilarating and a little bit scary, but not like it had been. It was the fear of taking this huge leap, the kind of fear of a challenge, the fear that came with a smile. But now with that look at her, he was undoing everything he had done. It was dripping away like wax from a fancy candle that piled to high, all down the sides at a pace that might set the house on fire. He walked over to her and sat down, and his eyes were wet. She shook her head, her breaths coming in gasps because there were so many tears and not enough ways to get them out. She shook her head furiously like she could just stop and then open her eyes and all the scars on her hands would be gone and so would the tears and they would just both be smiling and nothing bad would have happened in the last few weeks. But she couldn’t do that, and his voice ripped her apart. What are you doing, Annie? What did I do wrong? She took a deep breath, trying to clear her throat and lungs and eyes a bit so that she could say this clearly, or at least in one long string without being broken up by sobs.

“Denny, you did nothing. It’s me, it always has been. I have always been wrong; there wasn’t anything you could do.”

She twisted her hands together not looking at him anymore. Now you could see them on her knuckles, see some shadows through her sleeves. What if he found out about the rest? Hopefully he would, although that was a twisted way to put it. It was just that Annie was starting to realize that they would be there for a while, and she wanted to fix this so that he could have all of her again. Get rid of these stupid walls that she kept putting up, because they weren’t helping anyone. Get rid of the words she couldn’t think of. Eventually he would tuck her hair behind her ears and brush past the blistered skin lurking there. He would kiss her neck and see them in a line like an army under her collar bones. She would walk through his house without ridiculous jeans, just in shorts and he would see them, bruised and angry behind her knees, or on the fine and delicate bones of her feet. Any time he held her hand they would be lurking in between her fingers, up and down her forearms. They would never leave them alone, they wouldn’t go away for a few years.

“Repulsed. You’re absolutely disgusted by me. I’m a disease.”

Annie hadn’t even realized she was saying it until it was out, and then she started crying again. Her face felt on fire and her lungs couldn’t help her and she was crying terribly, like she had been the night on his roof. She couldn’t help it, she had been thinking it forever. She was so wrong, how could he love her? But he kept coming back, and somehow she kept finding new ways to chase him away. All she wanted was to keep him there with her. Annie wanted to crawl into his lap and feel his arms secure around her again, she wanted to tuck her head against his chest and feel that overwhelming sense of belonging.

But she just didn’t feel welcome there right now.





1,668 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - blarg

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

If Annie kept the crying up much longer, Denny would join in this tear fest. He couldn’t stand being like this; it reminded him too much of being isolated from everyone and wallowing in self pity because he was the town criminal and no one wanted him. All of it boiled down to the fact that he felt like he was fixed at zero again, totally and utterly at the point he’d been at weeks before he’d laid down to sleep on Annie’s bed and told her he loved her. He felt so degraded, so belittled and he hated it. But he didn’t blame Annie solely. He figured he should have seen something like this coming, given his past records with love. Which were nonexistent. Denny just saw this entire day as something he should have seen, especially with how perfect Christmas had been. There had been nothing that could have brought him down that day, but the day after was a different story. And the day after that was a completely new book. The week after that had become a new series all together, and the two weeks after that had just become an entirely new set of pieces of art written by someone Denny didn’t know or understand.

And Denny could have been bitter about it. He didn’t quite see it this way, but he had every right to sit there and be bitter about all of it. But he wasn’t; he couldn’t be, not with the desperation in Annie’s voice when he sat down again. He just couldn’t help thinking that if he hadn’t done anything wrong, then what was really wrong? There had to be a reason; there was always a reason for everything. Denny had found Annie because he’d learned his lesson, and he’d spent his time alone. What was Annie’s reason for finding him? And what was her reason for doing all of this? He’d tried his hardest to get her to see that he could be a substitute for whatever, that he was there for her forever, whenever she needed him. He’d drop anything for her, even if it meant losing a job or ending up killing someone, though that would most likely be indirectly. So if she knew that, why was she doing this? Not so much the pushing him away part, because eventually he’d get over it. Denny would understand that Annie was a girl, and Annie wasn’t just any girl, and sometimes she had needs beyond that of any girl he’d ever met. But the burns? She had to replace the eating disorder with burning herself? Maybe there was something wrong with Annie that Denny just wasn’t comprehending – but that part of him, actually, the whole of him that loved her just moved past that. He didn’t care what he wasn’t understanding about her personality. He loved her, and just three weeks ago that had been enough.

But now….Denny just felt empty. There was this huge pit in his stomach, like a huge seed had been implanted over night. It was completely empty and gross inside, like it had been used multiple times without care, but now the people or whatever that had been using it left and didn’t give a fuck what happened to the environment around the seed. It confused Denny beyond belief because he didn’t have to feel empty. It wasn’t like he’d felt full when he’d lived by himself with just his guitar almost two years ago, but he hadn’t felt this empty. But then something occurred to him; Annie hadn’t been in his life almost two years ago. When she walked in, a part of him had cleared out for her and only her, and when she walked out or blocked him out he felt like that part of him was as empty as it could be, as empty as he could ever be. The more attached he grew to Annie, the bigger that portion of him had gotten until it was almost completely all of him. And now that she was sitting so far from him, burning herself and keeping it all from him, that almost completely whole part of him just became so vacant. So, in essence, he really was empty. Because so much of him had been Annie, and so much of Annie was just Annie right now, he had nothing left. Even if we weren’t speaking figuratively, all he’d had three weeks ago was Annie, and that had been enough. It still would be enough, if only she’d let him be the way he’d been three weeks ago, even if they weren’t naked under his sheets. He didn’t care where they were, so long as they were together.

“It’s always been me.” He was mostly saying it to himself now, because Denny needed some sort of verbal reassurance that there was something wrong with him too. He had this weird complex about him, an inferiority complex to say the least. Everyone else was superior to him, and due to the past few weeks he’d sunk back into that complex, that feeling of never been enough. Denny wanted to look away, not be able to see anything or think anything, curl up into a ball and just keep his knees against his forehead. He wanted to let go, get naked, and fly, maybe never come back or shift back ever again. At the same time, he wanted to scoot closer, hold Annie, tell her that he’d make everything okay. He didn’t know which was worse; the fact that he tried to fix Annie’s problems for her, the fact that he wanted to run from his problems when he’d promised he wouldn’t leave her, or the fact that he wanted to curl up like a fucking baby and guilt Annie into being near him. Everything was wrong with him, and nothing anyone could say would make that better. Not now, anyway. If someone walked by, they’d know he was that criminal kid, and honestly Denny felt like that criminal kid. “It didn’t matter if I did anything or not. It was still me.” Cue more mumbling to himself.

Denny hadn’t noticed his gaze had dropped to the sand in his ramblings about the past, but when he did he hurriedly looked up and just looked at Annie. He could hardly believe what he was seeing, but at the same time he’d gone through so much and he’d only just gotten to the beach. But his look wasn’t really about what he was seeing, he realized; it was more about what he was listening to. “What?” His face only reinforced her statement, even though that wasn’t what he was feeling. He was more disgusted that she would think that little of him, that Annie would seriously take everything he’d said to her about how beautiful he thought she was, how amazing she was to him and how much he loved her and make all of it out to be a huge lie. “No,” he said flatly, shaking his head once and closing his eyes. Denny just….he had a hard time wrapping his mind around even attempting to be disgusted and repulsed by Annie. He loved here, so there was no such thing as feeing disgust and repulsion towards her. “Annie, there is no way between Heaven and Hell that I could ever feel like that about you.” He had to keep a huge grip on his control to not start yelling. He was so enthused in the worst way possible by her assumption. “You’re not a disease. I never saw you as one, and I never will. I don’t now.” To further prove his point, Denny moved closer to her, trying to tone down his intensity to seem maybe a bit more inviting.

He didn’t want her to shy away from him anymore. He didn’t want her to sit there and reject him by doing little things that hurt his entire body. “I couldn’t possibly be disgusted by you. Never.” He sighed and tried to think of ways to get her to understand. “You told me all of your secrets practically in one day, and I just sat back and told you none of that mattered. How could you ever think I would be disgusted by you now if I wasn’t then?” He sounded hurt, to be honest, and he was. His honesty just bled through his words, even if he hadn’t meant to let it.


1412 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- there he goes again trying to fix what can't be modified. denny; the little engine that could(n't).

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Annie knew she wouldn’t believe him from the moment that he started to speak. She just… knew. Annie had never doubted a single thing her had ever told her, but things changed. And she had made them change for the worse. She had burned it all up and scorched it down. Some part of her didn’t think this was a fight or a conflict. It was starting to feel like the end, and she hated that. She hated that she messed everything up, a reoccurring theme of destroying what she loved. But the weird thing is that she couldn’t remember the last time she had loved something enough for it to matter, material or not. It was sad that Annie had that way about her, but she couldn’t help it. It was sad that she was like a dark storm cloud wrecking havoc. But she wasn’t even hurting other people, if you excluded Denny. She just kept hurting herself, physically, emotionally, mentally. She had cast herself a doomed role from the start.

She sat with her legs pulled to her chest, playing with her fingers, twisting them in odd ways that fingers shouldn’t be bent in, but she didn’t even notice. The only thing that felt constant about her right then was the ring on her finger. She didn’t know what was going to happen, and she didn’t understand what was happening. For a scary moment she really did think this was the end, and she was going to have to go home alone, and take off the ring and give it back to him. She didn’t think she could do that, honestly. She didn’t think she would ever be able to. It was… it was the most that a material thing had ever meant to her. What it represented couldn’t even be measure with the words on it. It was everything that it said, and more. It was the littlest things. She felt like it was a rope that she could use to always bring Denny back, and keep him there with the promise that she would never leave. But was this even leaving? Was that a bad way to put it, like she could use it to control him? She didn’t know. She just… Annie couldn’t live much longer without his touch again or something happening, something needed to change.

Fix me, she wanted to beg, but her lips wouldn’t shape the words.

She listened to his chopped up words, but she didn’t look like she was. She just watched the water. She was glad that it was the beach because she was easily distracted by the water. It shouldn’t have held a lot of interest for her because it wasn’t really her thing. But Annie could appreciate the raw beauty of it. It was different than the forest, which was like a long standing guardian, and never mean or evil. People always thought it was, but it wasn’t. It was always open, even when it seemed creepy. The forest would never hurt you, only the things in it would. But the ocean was a lot different. It was much older, much more furious and it would blow out your lights if it had the chance and then you would just be another piece of debris for it to throw against the worst kinds of weather. But the ocean wasn’t hurting her right now. Denver wasn’t either, but, it was obvious that Annie was hurting. She felt her hands start to shake a little as she continued to twist them into shapes that would leave them hurting later, but for now she couldn’t even notice.

She had always been the one to hurt herself.

Annie, there is no way between Heaven and Hell that I could ever feel like that about you. His voice sounded strained. For a wild minute, Annie wanted to smirk at him like he had to her the morning of their first fight. She wanted to tilt her head and mock him slightly, What’s wrong, baby? her mouth twisted the words inside her jaw, begging to push them out, but Annie couldn’t do it. She knew this was killing him and that… it wouldn’t be fair at all and she just couldn’t do it. That was why Annie would think he would be disgusted. She was weird, but in the old sense of the word, where it had so much more meaning than being quirky. She was an outcast, she was freaky and shifty and did not belong. She did things normal people didn’t do, and her thoughts didn’t work like everyone else’s because they weren’t. She didn’t think the same things that other people might when she got backed into these situations. She almost couldn’t help it. Either way it would be the death of her someday, but for now she kept her mouth shut.

As Denny kept talking, Annie got more and more riled by it. He wasn’t trying to spark the fight in her but somehow he was. He was rubbing her skin the wrong way and Annie didn’t even know how, or why. You’re not a disease. I never saw you as one, and I never will. I don’t now. Annie bit her lip, still not looking at him, still just watching the horizon. He may not see her as one, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t. Annie could see the signs all to clearly, unfortunately. And his next words just helped her pick out more reasons. You told me all of your secrets practically in one day, and I just sat back and told you none of that mattered. How could you ever think I would be disgusted by you now if I wasn’t then?

But it wasn’t those words that got to her. It was the ones stuck in the middle. I couldn’t possibly be disgusted by you. Never. Those were the words that caused Annie to suddenly stand up, towering over Denny now that he was sitting. Her face was set like steel. Annie was mad. And mad at Denny. This was new. He had seen her mad at everyone, he had seen her confused and conflicted and frustrated. Frustrated he had seen a lot, but he had never seen mad staring him down. ”How?” she screamed, her voice echoing across the empty beach. It was a startling kind of wake-up, considering she had been barely speaking above a whisper and crying, and now she still was crying, but silently. Her voice was so much louder than her sobs. “Denver, I just don’t understand. You should be disgusted by me. Sure, I told you those secrets, but you know what? They haven’t changed.” her voice was at an even level during that, but her next words were shrill and breaking, because Annie felt like she was splintering and snapping. “I’m still a horrid person. I am still a disease. Not only was there what I used to do, and then what I will probably do again, but now there’s more. There’s burned skin everywhere but you just haven’t opened your eyes up. Denny, I’m so damaged. Why are you so convinced I’m worth all the trouble you put into me?”

She closed her eyes and made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat, and looked at the ground. When she opened her mouth again, the voice that came out was so different than what he might have expected from her. It was too small, and broken, but still bitter. It was Annie about to start crying again, but more than that. She’d pushed herself too far with her own words, and now she was feeling it. She was feeling her fissure points and she knew it was only a matter of time before she wouldn’t say anything coherent and it would just be a breakdown like on his roof, but so much more worse. “Is that why you won’t touch me?” she whispered. “Do you think I’m contagious?”





1,341 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - omg this one was sad.

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

Was Annie even allowed to make him feel so little? Just because she had so much control on every other emotion and feeling of Denny’s gave her the right to act and yell like his parents had when he’d gotten out of jail, sentencing him to this seclusion that he’d been in for years after he left their home. It was the fucking end of the world if Denny stood up and tried to hold his own, but the instant he started trying to tell her why he loved her, why none of this would matter to him in a few days, Annie was on her guard, turning it around so that it was his fault. He was the one saying all of the wrong things, and therefore she was proving that ultimately this was all his doing. Denny had made the small, tiny advances before this, and so because of it her turning around and ending up like this was his fault generally. At least, that was the way Denny perceived this entire meeting, and for a brief moment he was ready to stand up and leave. He had his mind set on just stomping all the way to his apartment, no matter how long it would take or how calm he’d be by the time he got there. The urge to fly grew stronger and stronger every time he turned around and found something else that he’d done wrong, but he had to push it away. He had to push the feeling of wanting to just go home and wallow again away because he had to settle this.

Whether or not he’d walk away broken down the center mattered very little. But Denny was not leaving until something was decided, until one of them finally gave up and broke everything they’d worked collectively for. At this point, anything could have happened, and Denny could feel his anger rise just by knowing that. He’d never been mad at Annie, just like he’d never seen her mad at him, but this was different. This was Annie finding excuses to fall into patterns that her mind wasn’t letting her understand that Denny could help fix. He thought of Annie like an old wall sometimes; there were too many cracks to count on either side of the wall, too many kink and issues to try and fix in one lifetime. Thankfully, some cracks were tinier and less influential, less necessary to fix. But there Denny was, the carpenter or wall fixer or whatever title you wanted to give him on the job, ready to fix those cracks and kinks one by one until the wall could support itself again. And for a while, his work had paid off. The wall had become stronger, forcing itself into a more upright position. There was a foundation under the fixtures of Denny’s work, making them able to support themselves for the time he had to move on to the next kink. But then something happened. He had made it half way through the wall before he’d been so sidetracked by his progress that he didn’t go any farther. He was scared that if he went farther, the wall he’d already fixed would crumble, but he didn’t realize that if he hadn’t moved on, his fear would have become a reality. The past kinks needed modifications, yes, but he needed to move on and start over to lay a new base on top of the fixtures, to make them even better than they had been.

Denny hadn’t expected the wall to crumble if he’d stayed where he’d been. But there it was; from the first little fix he’d made all the way up to what was directly behind him. One by one little pieces of the wall broke off, and eventually the wall weighed so much without his fixtures that the foundations collapsed, forcing Denny to make a decision. He could go all the way back to the beginning of the wall and work his way down to the end to start over again, or he could walk away and hope someone else would fix the wall for him. But Denny had promised this wall, Annie that he wouldn’t ever leave, that he’d be there until the end to help her with the kinks and the cracks. He’d promised her with his hands, his lips, his heart, his god damned virginity! That meant nothing though; Denny couldn’t care less about the sex. He didn’t love her or say he loved her to get into her pants. He had never even thought about that until it was happening, and even then it was one of the farthest things from Denny’s mind. But maybe that was the reason the wall had started to crumble. Denny had broken so many of Annie’s barriers that the wall just fell on itself, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. Maybe she was right. Maybe she was so damaged and Denny was just too blind to see that he couldn’t help her. That didn’t mean that every fiber of his body turned away from the way it had felt that first morning he’d kissed her. Ever part of him then had wanted to try, and every part of him now wanted to try. It didn’t matter how angry or irritated he was with her tone, with the way she was making him feel like an eight year old that had done something he’d been told not to; he still loved Annie and he still wanted to be the person to fix the wall, to help the wall lean a bit sometimes when it couldn’t support its own weight.

It wasn’t as if he looked at her and saw some broken creature. Annie was extremely practiced in the art of hiding herself, and Denny had picked up a few hints from her in the time they’d known each other. So when anyone looked at Annie, they saw a confident, beautiful person with an odd personality; a girl that liked to sing her heart out but really didn’t like people and contact too much. No one knew the things Denny knew, and he knew that that bound him to her like a moth to a flame. Even if she was a disease, and he’d contracted her, Denny didn’t think she was contagious. No one else could carry her disease, no one else could understand the entirety of Annie. Besides the fact that Annie wouldn’t let it happen, Denny doubted anyone had as little to live for as he did. Annie filled that void in his life; she just gave him a reason to try, a reason to feel, a reason to be in every direction at once in his mind, and yet nowhere at all with the progression of his decisions. Their relationship was so impossible to understand from the outside, and right now it was quite impossible for Denny to understand from the deepest depths of the inside. Annie’s screaming at him did nothing to disprove that notion.

“Because you are.” He didn’t have any other logical explanation. That was it; Annie just was. Just because his mind couldn’t formulate another reason didn’t mean his mouth already hadn’t though. “You brought me out of the darkest part of my life, Annie, just with a look. I didn’t even know who you were then, and suddenly I had someone worth living for. I didn’t know your name, I didn’t know your secrets, I didn’t know that you were all of these things that not even I understand sometimes, but you just….you gave me friendship, and then you gave me more and more and eventually it all turned into what happened on Christmas.” He was so surprised at his own words that he hadn’t noticed he’d started to stand up. Quickly he glanced at the sky, finding some weird source of peace and a wholeness he hadn’t felt since he’d shifted. This wasn’t the wholeness Annie had tended to fill him with when they were together, but instead a wholeness that fueled everything about him that Annie wasn’t. It was hard to tell the difference these days anyway.

“I don’t care if you’re contagious.” If Annie was messed up, then Denny was just as equally fucked. If Annie felt like she was this horrible monster of a person, then Denny was right there with her, especially for loving her. If anyone, Denny knew how monsters worked, even if he had a very vague grip on their inner workings. Still, he was able to understand how he would be a complete freak if he really loved Annie the way he said he did. And one thing was definitely for sure: he did. There was no room for lying with Denny, so telling her one thing and meaning another was complete and utter blasphemy, and Denny was just a sure about that as he was about how messed up he was himself. He sighed and reorganized his thoughts, looking at the sky again for another dose of a calm wholeness he knew he’d get. “You make yourself out to be this horrible person, but you never take into account that I’m not perfect either, Annie.” If she was going to pick out her own flaws, Denny was going to point out his. “I have a monster hanging over my head; I get offended and violent and I can’t control who I am anymore.” That would have been a lie three weeks ago. “There’s nothing right about me anymore.”

Denny hadn’t even realized he’d skipped an entire question of hers. He had to look down because he couldn’t look at Annie anymore. He couldn’t stand to see her start to doubt the things he was saying, even if the things he was talking about were only in his head. He couldn’t listen to her tell him that all of those things weren’t true either, because to Denny they were more than true. They were law. He may not have as many vices as Annie that defined who he was, but he had the monster, and though he’d thought fondly of it in his apartment, now all he could think about was how destructive it was. All the monster did was ruin things, make him mad, make him feel alive in the worst way possible. And the most horrible fact about the monster was it never suffered consequences. When the Monster was gone, Denny was in pain because of what it had done, and he could never change that. He had no control over the monster; the monster held the remote controller to Denny’s life, slipped in whenever it wanted and played with whatever aspect of his life that it wanted. There was nothing he could do to stop it, and that made everything about Denny wrong. It made him negative and dark and shifted his personality when all he could do was sit back and watch it take the reins on whatever he was doing.

He had to stop thinking about that though. Denver couldn’t stand to think of destruction outside of his chest cavity right now. He sighed and looked up slowly, looking right at Annie was her words that he’d skipped over started to register in his mind. “What?” Denny wasn’t even sure why that meant so much. He’d lost that part of him when Annie had started screaming, even though he could feel the remnants in the very farthest reaches of his mind. He knew it was there, so it wasn’t lost forever, but for now he couldn’t focus on what had meant so much to him weeks ago. He didn’t even notice, but a single streak of salty tear fell from one of his eyes, and suddenly he was officially crying without even realizing it. But he wasn’t crying because Annie was, like he thought he might. He was crying because he was losing parts of him he wanted to keep forever, right in the front of his mind where he could easily access them. He was losing him and Annie bit by bit, the more his heart fell apart. He didn’t actually have a reason that he wouldn’t touch her anyway. He wanted to, but Annie just felt….untouchable. She felt distant even if she was so close to him, and she felt tall even if she was so much shorter than he was. “I held my hand out for you.” His hand violently ripped the tear from his face, but he wasn’t mad. Not anymore. Now he was sort of irritated that he’d cried, so his eyes closed and he thought of the blue sky above him. “You didn’t take it. It seemed to me you didn’t want me touching you.” Denny looked back at Annie, wonder in his eyes but not wander. He wondered if she’d changed her mind, all she wanted was for him to hold her like that was all he wanted. He wasn’t wandering through the looks she was giving her. “I wouldn’t touch you because I felt rejected.” There it was, whether Denny wanted it to be or not. The whole truth, and suddenly he realized his honesty wasn’t just bleeding all over Annie, but himself too, like he’d bit into his skin too hard and he just couldn’t stop his own words.

Really, he couldn’t understand why he was still acting so little. He could feel it, but he’d realized some easy ways to hide the way he felt from Annie. So he sucked it all up, stepped closer, and closed his eyes, letting muscle memory just take over. Three weeks hadn’t changed that, and his arms found perfect patterns around Annie’s body. He just pulled her as close as he could with as gentle a force as he could because the burns were there, in the center of his mind for him to remember.


2321 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- god what does he think he's doing?

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Annie wasn’t sure what she was going to do. Her mind was kind of stuck where it was, not willing to make plans or notice what was really happening anymore. She just changed her body posture, look defensive, curling her hands to her chest and watching him warily. Annie didn’t know why she was starting to get so defensive all the time. Wolves were the offence, but she often felt trapped even though there were so many places to go. Caged into emotions that hurt her more than helped her. His words hit her softly, but she couldn’t really say anything because she felt like if she just opened her mouth she didn’t know what would come out. Maybe it would have been a scream or maybe she would have just puked everywhere. Annie couldn’t say, she didn’t know. That was her answer for everything though, and she kind of hated it. She wanted to know. She wanted answers for herself. She didn’t want to sit back and just take it all. But Annie couldn’t help that she was breaking with every second that passed after she had last spoken. Everything was coming undone and she couldn’t hold it together and it was impossible for her to pick up the pieces she had shattered. She wanted to close her eyes and curl up and die but she knew that she couldn’t. That was taking the easy way out, and the easy way was not how things worked. No, instead she was forced to stand here and watch everything fall apart in this painful way. Maybe it hurt the most that she had basically broken it. It sucked because he had worked so hard, and he had brought her together. He had rebuilt her from her breaking point and by the time Christmas had rolled around Annie was feeling on top of the world.

God, how she missed that feeling.

Now, though, she had sunk lower than she would have ever thought possible. Annie had estimated her sinking point to be much higher than this, and yet she was still going even lower. She felt like everyone was too far away and she couldn’t reach them and there was no way out of this whole she had dug for herself. Annie had doomed herself with her own personality, and she was terrified of facing that truth. She just wanted it to all go away, she wanted to close her eyes and then open them and see that everything was better and she was on solid ground again with Denver there waiting for her. But that seemed more and more unlikely as the conversation was spinning. I held my hand out for you. You didn’t take it. It seemed to me you didn’t want me touching you. Annie didn’t know what to say to that. Actually, that was a lie. She knew exactly what to say, but she couldn’y say anything. It was formulated very nicely in her mind, because she could just tell him that she wouldn’t have rejected him, she could just tell him that she didn’t know how to reach out to him anymore. She was so afraid to even open her mouth because she was too close to the edge; the edge of something scary, something that would rip her up so badly she wouldn’t be able to feel anything. Annie didn’t want that because she needed to stay with Denny, she needed to make up for being the one to push him away. So instead of telling him that she had been afraid, and that she couldn’t have given up her secret like that because if he held her hand he would have noticed, she just watched him carefully, you could see the fear very blatant on her face.

Annie snuck a look directly at her face, and was completely appalled by what she saw. Was he crying? Had she done that? Guilt washed over her like a huge tidal wave, and she just wanted to drown in her own tears. Because he didn’t deserve to get so worked up over her, he deserved so much better than what she could give him. And she felt like today was a rude awakening of just how little she could give him. He claimed that he only wanted what she wanted… but he deserved more. And Annie just couldn’t give it to him because she was already too messed up for her own good. She would just torture herself with this thinking, but that didn’t mean the thinking went away. It stayed there and burrowed deep into her mind and felt poisoness and terrible and she just didn’t have enough for them and it was scary to realize.

And then he was walking forward and Annie couldn’t move. She couldn’t understand what was happening, but she didn’t even care. She caught her breath and she couldn’t breathe and she felt like she was dying suddenly. It was like everything was slipping away when he was getting closer and it kind of hurt a lot. Time stopped as he came close to her and Annie couldn’t understand the value of anything anymore. Nothing had a value but the space between them – and not in a good way. She felt like she was swimming, and it was killing her a little, not being able to focus on one thing. But then his arms wrapped around her and they just fit so well and it was so familiar and she felt herself just kind of come unglued. Annie didn’t have a definite shape anymore, only the one that Denny twisted her into, only the one that he made for her. She kind of collapsed against him, just letting all her weight fall into his arms and against his chest and she wrapped her arms around his back so tight that she thought it might hurt one of them, as tight and hard as she could get her muscles to cooperate with, ignoring the irritating way her sleeves rubbed against the menagerie of burns on her arms.

As close as she could get and it still just wasn’t close enough. There needed to be more space so that she could tear through it. Annie just wanted to forget herself and slip into Denver’s body and mind and let him carry her around so that she could relax from her own life. She just wanted to be as close as she could and never more, and never let go. She pressed her entire body against him as close as she could and closer than that, her head tucked against his chest. She felt like she was shaking again but she wasn’t sure. She just wanted the rest of the world to mean nothing. And it didn’t, now that he was holding her. Her eyes were closed as tight as they could go, her whole body just focused on Denny.

“I’m so sorry.” she said, and it sounded like she was choking. She couldn’t get her words out. If he hadn’t had held her she would have broken down completely, but even know that he was she was still hanging too close to that edge. She just… she couldn’t think of anything and all that she wanted was already there, so she didn’t need anything anyway. Annie was already feeling better now that he was touching her, like they had already saved their relationship from falling apart, were salvaging the pieces to put it together again in some way. But she still… she was so vulnerable. She was so exposed because all of her secrets had been leaked and it had been noticed how truly broken she was sometimes. You could distract her, like on Christmas, you could talk her out of it, like Thanksgiving, but it was always there. Maybe you could fix it… like today. “Just… please, fix me.” she begged, her voice sounding as terrible as she felt.



1,329 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - UGH YOU PUT ME TO SHAME

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

If anyone had asked him, Denny actually would have said that this was the best day he’d had in a while. In the past three weeks, he’d hardly said anything to Annie let alone anyone else. He hadn’t picked up his guitar. He hadn’t gone outside unless it was absolutely necessary. He’d just been this nonproductive being sitting in a dark apartment for days at a time, and so yeah, because he actually got dressed and went outside and interacted with someone, today was the best day he’d had in a while. He’d felt something today instead of a tearing indifference. He’d said more than ‘hmm’ and ‘squawk’ in the short time he’d been at the beach, and he actually managed to get a near-bodily function out of himself. But still, Denny’s biggest achievement today was the fact that he’d rebounded from anger and worry to sadness and repulsion back to anger and worry with a hint of sad nostalgia mixed with more repulsion to this. He’d come to the beach a worried boyfriend with a whole lot of heart and up to this point, he’d made it to the point of extremely concerned boyfriend with so much acceptance he didn’t think anyone could tell that this was the kid that had supposedly run over a girl when he was seventeen. Denny could hardly believe that he was that person at that point, even if just yesterday he’d felt so close to what he’d become because of this expulsion from people’s lives that he’d nearly called the SWAT team himself.

To be honest, Denver was surprised at how accepting he was right now. Any other boyfriend would have given up, walked away, and never looked back. Any other douche bag would have done all that and fled town. But Denny wasn’t any other boyfriend and he definitely wasn’t any other douche bag. Besides the fact that his family lived here, in Cape Cod, Annie was here. Everything, even the bad and the horrible and the scary all boiled down to the fact that wherever Annie was, Denny would be found. Unless of course she completely lost it and ran when he wasn’t around, then avoided him at all costs. Denny wouldn’t expect it from Annie, but he’d always be afraid of it after today. There would always be the possibility in his mind, and when things would get stressful or tense between them, Denny would always have to freak out about Annie just leaving without saying anything to him. And he wouldn’t mention it to her, because he didn’t want to start a whole argument over the matter, but it would still be there. It would sit next to the fear that one day, Annie’s wall would break, and there would be nothing that Carpenter Denny could do about it. He couldn’t fix it. He’d always fear that happening, and until he could push that to the very back of his mind’s confines, he’d be extremely too careful in his movements and words. It wasn’t a trust issue with Annie, but rather a trust issue with himself. Denver just didn’t trust his actions or his vocabulary anymore, not after today.

Although those thoughts were in the center of his mind, a place where access was easy and with the right velocity ideas could be pushed to the front, he had to focus on something else. He had to focus on having Annie in his arms again, because that was going to be the only thing that would get him through this right now. The idea that she did want him to touch her, the fact that she’d asked him why he hadn’t made him feel less reject and just more shut out, as if he’d gone too far with something and he didn’t understand what it had been. The fact that she was holding him probably three times has tight as he was holding her made him feel wanted, which was good because he hadn’t felt that way since Christmas. He’d felt a bit needed, but every time he’d seen her that feeling and grown smaller and smaller until they just hadn’t seen each other all together. At that point, Denny just felt like a mental monkey, running around with no sense and no training, doing whatever he wanted and whatever he didn’t want to do just because he could. Being wanted, feeling that through Annie’s crunching embrace just put Denny in a mood that he hadn’t felt in a while. And for once this morning, he actually believed himself when he said he loved her. Yesterday he could have thrown the word Love around and not really cared too much about it, but he would have thought of Annie every time, and this morning he’d known he loved Annie but it just didn’t feel complete. Now, with her holding him like this, with him having said pretty much everything that was on his mind, he could feel the weight of his words and the promise that the ring held for the both of them. If she kept up her end of the bargain with their hearts, Denny would too.

He listened to her words carefully; he noticed how the only other thing that was breaking through is sound barrier was the water. Now he remembered why he liked the sky more, counting out the fact that he was part bird. It was annoying to hear when he was trying to focus on something else, which was the reason he never came to the beach anymore. The water just got in the way of everything in the winter, especially since it was so cold you could probably stick your toe in and have it come back out with a cube of ice surrounding the skin. But Denny’s enhanced hearing, due to the fact that he was a Vulture, a scavenger that listened and watched for little animals, enabled him to hear Annie too, which was good. He’d rather not have to ask her what she said, making her repeat it all over. From what he heard and what he knew about today, that would not have ended prettily. So he was glad he could hear her, when she seemed to be done, Denny leaned his head down and kissed her head, missing the way he’d got so used to it a few weeks ago. Annie’s hair was soft to the touch, the way he knew it would be, and it smelled just as amazingly as he remembered it. It set him in this offset sense of nostalgia for a moment, as if they were long lost lovers or something instead of just Annie and Denny.

Denny was pulled out of it all, however, when he realized he had to set things right. Of course he had to be the one to fix her; he was like that Coldplay song, even if he didn’t like Coldplay. First of all, who else would fix her? Who would take the time and have the patience to sit and help Annie be better, be the person she wanted to be? Second, who would she want to be that person for other than Denny? Even if he didn’t naturally admit that she would change for him, he sort of knew it. She wouldn’t have tried if it wasn’t for Denny, that much he knew. Third, what else did Denny have to do? He could sit around and go crazy, or he could distract himself with Annie and make her better. Finally, why shouldn’t he? He loved her, he’d made a promise to her that he’d always be there, and as long as she wanted him, he would keep that promise. These days especially, Denny didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. His honest fault wouldn’t allow it. Against her hair he mumbled a breathy, “Of course.” He completely ignored her apology, knowing that he accepted it even if he didn’t think she needed to say sorry. Denny was already forgiving of Annie’s faults, but he did appreciate the fact that she didn’t take that for granted. “I am going to do everything I can. I promise.”



1360 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- WOOOOOO! denny to the rescue again!

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Annie could speak or think all too well then. She didn’t want to, and her head was all twisted and messed up ang mangled and she felt weird. She was in a worrying mood, and her fingers were starting to hurt from twisting them in weird ways. But she clutched Denny tighter. She felt… unwanted. It was just like, she had to contact him to see him, she had to tell him she wanted to be touched for him to touch her and now that he was, she was holding him with a death grip and he was just resting his hands across her back. Annie just felt disheartened by it, although she knew that Denny was afraid of pushing past the weird walls Annie had, and giving her room kept that from being an option, a blow up of her’s. But she didn’t say anything because Annie wasn’t sure why, but this idea had twisted in her mind that this was something like pity, him keeping his arms around her. Why else would he do it, really? What was Annie worth? He said he loved her, but Annie knew that it was taxing to be in love with someone like her. But she knew that if he would just give her that one more chance then she could do it. Even if it meant quitting everything cold turkey, if he would give her that chance… she could do it. It would kill her and make her want to claw at her skin until there was none left, but she could do it. She did have faith in herself for that, but she had never tried it before because it had never been worth trying until Denny came along.

She couldn’t let go though. Her hands wouldn’t let her and she couldn’t pull her head away. She couldn’t talk because her mouth wasn’t working out too well for her, but she could feel. She felt his lips on her head and his voice soft and airy against her head. And Annie could worry, she could worry forever. She could worry about the future, like she had on Christmas, but in almost a different way now. She worried about the immediate future, and how she would just want to stay in Denny’s bed and never move and cry and cry until she couldn’t feel her lungs anymore even if it drove him crazy, just so that she could get it out. She worried about the future after that, about whether or not they could get back to where they had been before Annie alienated him. She worried about the far future, if her silly dream of a family was still available to her, even if she was a mom with cigarette burns on her arms and a questionable psychiatric record. She worried about who he blamed, but she blamed herself. Because it was her fault for leaving, for burning herself, it was her fault for alienating him and her fault for screaming at him today. He couldn’t have helped any of that unless he had forcibly kept Annie under lock and key.

But she was kind of wishing he had.

She just wanted to stop thinking, but she never could. Annie’s mind never listened. She wanted to ask Denver what they were going to do next but she couldn’t remember how to speak. And she also didn’t want to do anything, she just wanted to stay holding onto him as tight as she could with her eyes closed, appreciating this moment. She didn’t know why, but for some reason she felt like he would kiss her goodbye and tell her he would see her tomorrow and then she would never see him again and she would be left to wonder aimlessly about what she had done wrong. But she knew exactly what she had done wrong, and unfortunately it was just being herself.

She pulled her head back a little bit, and leaned up to kiss him quickly, but it was only a second and then her head was back against his chest and she closed her eyes really tight and she felt her back get hot. She was acting like that had been some kid’s first kiss, foolish and stolen and weird and it made her sad. Was that what they had been reduced to? She wanted Denny to make the moves now, she wanted him to touch her first and kiss her first, which was weird, because she had been the one to make all the moves so far, or at least edge him on enough to make some.

But she didn’t want to anymore, she just needed to focus on not falling apart.



785 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - this post sucked so hard brb suicide

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

For once, Denny was the one thinking that pecks weren’t enough. Above most other things he missed, his lips missed Annie’s. His body missed being this close to her, and his mind missed wrapping itself around her closeness. Just moments ago he had missed everything except that, almost wanting the opposite. He just wanted to understand what was wrong and what would happen if he didn’t like what he heard or if Annie wouldn’t tell him. She really hadn’t. She’d just told him she’d stopped one of her vices and he’d figured the rest out on his own. He’d broken the whole story down on his own and responded to it accordingly. Okay, so a bit less than accordingly, but Denny was just so about Annie that he didn’t want to further upset her. His mind just turned and twisted instead, and some things that he thought, he said, and others were kept under wraps. Honestly, he wasn’t really sure what was running through his head at the moment, other than the fact that he had Annie right where he liked her. This wasn’t where he wanted her, because that would just be taking advantage of her and that was wrong; it was where he liked having her, because to Denny that meant that she agreed to be there. With the way she was holding him, he definitely knew that was truth.

All at once, somewhat like a game of pinball where the ball sits on the spring and you pull back so hard and wait, like you’re building up momentum, and then the ball is released and it springs up and around to the game, Denny felt the need to be closer to Annie. He felt like the absence of knowing what was going to happen from here made him need the closeness to her, and so his grip tightened just enough so that any space that had previously been left between them was no longer existent. Once again, Annie found a way to get into his head and make the entire world around them mean nothing. All it had taken was a little peck, but Denny wanted more. He couldn’t stand not touching her, not being this close to her anymore. It was painful, and he’d gotten a taste of what it would be like for the rest of his life if she left him. Denny now knew that if Annie were ever not a part of his life, he’d go insane, and he’d probably need to be kept in a straight jacket for years on end. His heart would break so much that he’d never be able to repair it himself, and no one would ever be able to help that either. There would never be enough attention in one person, never enough patience within one person’s mind that would stumble upon the wreck that Denny would be and try to fix him. He’d be so grossly unattractive in every way because honestly Annie made him a better person. It was so weird to think that after today, but the evidence was clearly seen once a look was taken at him, contrasted with who he used to be.

She’d changed him, and when she’d stopped being around him, she’d changed him back. That made her sound more like a witch than a shifter, but Denny didn’t care. The fact remained that without Annie, he was just a loner without a life. Without Annabelle Windsor, Denver Hurley was just an empty shell of a person, like the hermit crab had moved out and all that was left was whatever he couldn’t carry with him. Without Annie, all Denny was happened to be a huge weight of baggage. Because after Annie had come into the picture, Denny had started cleaning himself up. He’d become more organized. Days had actually meant a 24 hour period, and sleep was possible. Light meant he should be up and out of bed and dark meant he should be heading home, depending on what kind of dark you were talking about. It had progressed that way since Annie, and when Annie had decided she wanted to get into her own head these past weeks, all of that had reversed. Days meant nothing. Flying meant nothing. Clothes meant nothing. Smelling good meant nothing. His heart meant nothing. That was what hurt the most; the fact that she had used herself as a therapist instead of taking into consideration that he loved her, that he’d been there for her since they’d met and he wouldn’t stop just because she had some girl issue to deal with. Except that this was an Annie-girl issue, which made it unlike any other girl issue Denver had ever encountered. And being the oldest of two with one younger sister, Denny had come across almost too many of them.

In any case, now Denny just wanted to be that guy again. He wanted to be the guy Annie’s imperfections and flaws had made him, and he knew how he would start getting back to that state. He had to be the one to take chances this time, instead of wondering if they would set Annie off. If they did, he’d find a way to reel her back in, keep her close, make her realize that he hadn’t meant to upset her, but rather just to comfort her and make her feel okay in her own skin, next to him. He knew what that entailed, and Denny was ready to start taking those risks. He had to stop fearing every little thing, had to stop guessing if it would set Annie off before he even tried to execute his idea. He had to actually do something without being scared of it, and show that he could do it and be strong enough to do whatever it was without being scared. That was one a major way he’d show he could do this; that he could fix her, piece by piece, little by little.

Now that that was settled, Denny took one of his hands and moved it up to Annie’s face. His palm kept still and firm against her cheek, but his thumb managed to grab her attention enough to make her look at him. If it hadn’t, he would have pulled gently on her chin until she was facing him. That wasn’t necessary though, and as soon as he was sure she was looking at him, Denny’s plan went into motion. His face didn’t need much lowering because of their proximity, so it wasn’t long at all before his lips were finally attached to hers. His eyes closed and Denny just felt this overwhelming sense of something that was fixing his heart. It felt like the harpoon that had fallen through his chest before had been removed and in its place were band aids and plaster, holding together the pieces of his heart that had cracked and fallen off. He just felt so right kissing Annie, holding her close to him with one arm while the his other hand rested on her face. Everything else ceased to matter, nothing else existed. All he needed was rain and then he’d fulfill his little fantasy of the perfect kiss. Whatever, maybe he’d just been forced into too many chick flicks when he was younger. Either way, his kisses with Annie always fixed something, even if it had nothing to do with an issue of Annie’s. Something about being connected to Annie in that way just made Denny realize how much he had when he had Annie, and it made him so grateful to have it all.

He just wanted to keep kissing her all day, and if he could, he would. But eventually, as always, he needed to breathe, and so hesitantly, again as always, he pulled back slightly and kept his contact so close that he could feel her breath on his lips. For the first time that morning, he said it as powerfully as he could. “I love you.”



1338 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- ugh finally. as in finally he fucking kissed her.

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

BABY THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK
it's a death trap

Denny got closer, as close as he could get, and Annie’s hesitance started to melt away. She was more sure of herself, she was more sure of having Denny there, and more sure of being there. More sure that she was wanted here. The list of things that were suddenly very accurate and sure grew the length of her arms, and when he put his hand against her cheek Annie looked up at him, instantly knowing what was coming, but she watched him carefully. She closed her eyes before his lips were even on her’s, knowing what was coming and already immediately excited for it. Annie was surprised how much life came into her with the mere prospect of Denny’s kiss. It filled her up like a kid on Christmas, somehow he still have her butterflies like she was a girl in junior high. It was immature and juvenile and made her seem like she should be in some poorly crafted, cheesy romance novel, but she just couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help the way that Denny made her feel, and she couldn’t help the way that he made everything look and the way her body reacted to his. She just couldn’t change the what that things were, not that she wanted to. She liked this feeling, it left little kisses like this feeling valuable.

Sometimes Annie secretly worried about them. She worried if their relationship was going to be sex driven (it really wasn’t, but at one point it had been a reasonable fear for her). She worried if she would always just want him to always touch her and always be inside and in bed. She worried that words were going away because it was easier for them to feel through kisses. She appreciated that quality sometimes, but other times it was bothersome and made her question things because she couldn’t help but question them. Annie hated how she second guessed everything and how it haunted her. She worried that they were just kind of staying together through obligation, like he didn’t quite love her, but his life just wasn’t as interesting without her, and so he loved the situation and now who she was. That thought was brought up mostly through Annie’s inability to wrap her mind around her flaws being loveable. Sometimes Annie worried about every little thing, and sometimes she worried about more than one thing, sometimes she worried about nothing. Every worry or non-worry only stayed in her mind for a minute at the most before it was replaced.

But she couldn’t worry when he was kissing her so convincingly. All her troubles just melted away because she couldn’t worry when everything just felt right. Salty tears had dried on her cheeks, making the skin tight and weird and unfriendly, but she didn’t notice. She just noticed Denny’s lips, and how much she had missed them and how much she just loved kissing him. He held her so close but her grip on him never loosened. She just kissed him as long as she could, liking the friction and the feeling, and just loving being there in his arms. Why had she ran in the first place? Annie didn’t have a good answer. She was totally content with him being there and with her. His arms were so… convincing just wasn’t the right word because he wasn’t trying to convince her of anything. He was just there and showing her what he felt. And Annie just couldn’t get enough of it because he was so much. He was so much of her world and her happiness. He was sadness, too, but he always made the sadness go away. She couldn’t deny him anything because he just made everything brilliantly better.

I love you he said and for the first time that day Annie smiled. His lips weren’t far from her and she smiled and laughed lightly. She still wasn’t sure how to get words out of her mouth, but his lips on her’s had loosened up her mouth. She struggled for a second, but she didn’t really mind. He was so close and he had kissed her without any indication from Annie – minus her embarrassed peck – and he had said he loved her and everything was on fire and Annie couldn’t keep her head on straight. Love was so powerful and Denny had told her he loved her on accident. She had said it so unsure for the first weeks. But he convinced her everyday that it was okay to say, that he didn’t take it for granted. He convinced her everyday that love wasn’t something to be afraid of. Annie thought she would always be afraid of it though, because she just couldn’t embrace it like Denny could. She just couldn’t embrace all the potential good and bad that love had. But Denny was helping her learn to live with the fear, like fear was an allergy and he was her benedryl, or any other obscure analogy you wanted to tack with that.

Annie wanted to kiss him back, but she couldn’t. She still didn’t know how to use the words that she was looking for, and so her mouth wanted to occupy itself by being with his again. But Annie knew that she had crumbled everything that they had worked for after Christmas. Denny may have been willing to run headlong into their relationship again, but Annie wanted to do it better, do it right. If she just went the way that she had started, she would realize that she took a long walk of a short pier, not paying attention to the ground until it was too late. She didn’t want that. She wanted to preserve the meaning that his kiss had, and not mess it up by throwing in another one. Annie didn’t want to take this relationship for granted again. She did’t think that’s what she had been doing until it was too late to realize. She thought she had been so thankful for every little thing that went in, but she wasn’t. She skipped over the physical and forgot about herself in the process. And so she thought quitting bulimia would be easy because her body was in fine shape. But it wasn’t, it had just been pretending.

It was like all the physicality that had gone on between them had tricked her body into feeling nice. They thought that Denny’s own personal magic was working and with him loving her she was loving herself. With his hands on her body her skin felt alright. And it did; but really only in that moment. The feelings lingered and Annie had taken them for long term. And they weren’t. When the feelings went away she didn’t know what to fall back on. If she swallowed her pride and came back to Denny then it wouldn’t have been as bad at all. But she couldn’t because that had felt like admitting defeat. So she had tried her own self-medicating and it hadn’t worked. And now here she was begging Denny to try again.

And she was going to make sure that they did it the right way, that they fixed her for the long term. That may mean momentarily hurting his feelings by not kissing even though he was so irresistibly close, but it would be better because she didn’t want to get in a fight every few months because of these breakdowns that haunted her. Annie was sick of hiding. In this moment she still felt so afraid and worried, but she was just tired. She still couldn’t speak and she still felt sick and she was intensely aware of every part of her body that she had harmed.

As far as Annie saw it, things could go two ways in her fixing; she could pick up bulimia again to change her disposition and then gradually battle it off, or just stop it right now, along with the burning. There were pros and cons to both ends of the spectrum, how bulimia would make her much more pleasant to be around and a little more sure of herself, but she would be hurting herself, and still be very secretive. It would also mean less time with Denny, because she couldn’t very well do that at his place. As for the second choice, you think that would be the better because stopping right away was good. But she would be sour for weeks and just dig herself a home in Denny’s home and arms and sheets and never want to leave and every night she would just want to cry and peel her skin off piece by piece until it was bloody and bruised. She didn’t know how to tell Denver that anyway, but honestly it only crossed her mind for a second.

She just stood in his arms, leaning heavily against him and breathing in the scent of him. There was the salty smell of the ocean, mixed with Denny. Denny just smelled like a lot of space, like the sky. He smelled like lots of promises and dreams and ideas and lots of room to run and just basically be. Like she had told him, freedom. Maybe he didn’t think so because he had created this cage for himself, but look at what he was doing for Annie; fixing her and freeing her from herself. She opened her mouth to speak, and exhaled her hair in a quiet huff, feeling it blow against his lips and back at her. They were so close that if she were to just lean forward by the slightest bit, they would be kissing again. She was sure that he would be able to feel her words on his tongue. Her sentence was condensed, missing the I, because her chest was still constricted and tight and not really letting her speak. She had significantly loosened up since he was touching her, but that didn’t deny the fact that she had gotten much too close to the edge of her sanity. “Love you, too.” she said quietly, still smiling like her face was growing to break, the happiness on her face more than evident. It was even evident in her breathing, maybe. She didn’t know why but he just made her so overwhelmingly happy.

He didn’t have to do anything. He just had to be there, be a part of her life and her happiness and everything was instantly bright, and brilliant and on beautiful fire.


1,753 - OUTFIT - lyrics to some random picture i found on tumblr that had cool text - friggin 1,000 words longer than the last post. i tell you, explosions in the sky does wonderful things.

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

you've got eyes like a hurricane
YOU'VE NO CLUE WHAT YOU DO TO ME

All it’s going to take is work. Denver just had to keep telling himself that. Work was nothing. This work would be easy. Easier than other work, that was for sure. This wasn’t like Denver was in Ancient Egypt, pushing ten ton bricks to make pyramids or digging in the river for gold for the Pharos. This was, in a way, taming a beast, and he figured that once again, he could take a few hints form Annie. Only this time, instead of just taking hints to be able to hide parts of personality, he’d be taking doses of his own medicine, trying to get a control on his life and the monster, making it more of his pet than a monster. This would be Denny trying to fix Annie like she was a piece of machinery while he tried out some of his techniques on himself. Although, when he put it that way, it sounded more like he was going to put her through boot camp instead a very rugged, primeval version of a rehabilitation center. Even that wasn’t the right way to put it. All he was going to do was love her, tell her what she needed to hear instead of particularly what she wanted to hear all the time. He was going to watch over her, but not like a nurse in a psyche ward. He was going to make sure she couldn’t hurt herself, and when she became antsy and cranky over the lack of vices she could rely on, Denny was just going to be there for her and tell her that he was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that pretty much she could use him at her will. It sounded like a logical plan in his mind, but when words formed to describe the plan, it all sounded so much dirtier than he’d meant.

That was the reason he didn’t come out and tell her what the plan was right there on the beach. He didn’t want her thinking of him as her toy, even though he pretty much was going to be. Ugh, Denny just didn’t know anymore. He was ruining this moment for himself with these twisting, methodic thoughts of what he was going to do with Annie and how he wanted her to think of him. He didn’t want her using him, but did he really think she would? No. He didn’t want her reeling, but could he really stop that? No. He could aid in the rebounding of a mental reel, but he couldn’t control them and make them stop. He wasn’t in this for sex, he wasn’t in it to get sex out of it, and he wasn’t in this just because he liked the way Annie made him feel. Truly, he loved her, he wanted what she wanted, and if she wanted him to fix her, he’d do whatever he could to do just that. He’d take initiatives, and if that didn’t work he’d change his course of actions and find something else to do. He wasn’t going to give up. He was going to push through all of this and make sure they could have more moments like this, with or without their lips touching. That was nice – better than nice on so many levels, actually, and it made him feel more sane than he had in the past weeks – but he didn’t absolutely need to always be kissing her. Plus, Denny needed to be able to go a few hours without holding her hand or touching her shoulder or her cheek and not freak out. While he knew it was okay to depend on her to keep himself in this stable, secure position because she would always need him to lean on, he also knew that one day he’d need to be independent enough to spend a little while without Annie’s physical connection to him without losing his wits.

He had to stop thinking about that though. The kiss had set him in the most pleasant mood he’d had all day, and his rambling thoughts were ruining that mood. With ease, Denny cleared his mind and let the feelings of taking charge and kissing Annie take complete control of his mind. He smiled and opened his eyes, finally seeing just how close they were. He thought about kissing her again, but he wasn’t so sure that was the right thing to do right now. He just felt a sense of hesitation, though he couldn’t tell if it was from himself or Annie. Denny felt almost like another kiss would just end them right where they’d left off on Christmas. Though that wasn’t really a bad thing, considering how well and glistening and amazing Christmas had been. But that was it – suddenly he understood. He wasn’t disappointed by the understanding. He just knew; all of this was because of how well Christmas had gone. They’d relied so much on each other that the instant they were no longer together, the instant their bodies weren’t feeding each other with compliments that didn’t need words anymore, the two of them were back to Annie and Denny, and we’re talking the Annie with so many issues Denny hardly knew her anymore, and Denny that doubted himself and sat in a single room for days like a caged, abused dog, like those on the ASPCA commercials. They couldn’t just go back to constantly needing each other for self assurance. That was why Denny needed to be ‘fixed’ just as much as Annie did.

They needed to find self assurance through each other, but not to the extent and meanings as before. Denny needed to teach Annie how to be self assured without him around somehow. Kissing Annie again would just send him into a need to always be this close in order to really function correctly.

For now he could keep himself this close, as long as he didn’t do anything that would end them in this situation months from now. Knowing that and hearing Annie say those words mixed together to set Denny in a content, happy mood again. He felt better, but he wouldn’t let himself feel so completely whole that he would never need to leave this place. That was going too far too fast, which was really what had ended them in this situation. Feelings had gotten heated and bodies had become therapists and suddenly it was all crashing; Denny wasn’t so much scared of it (okay, he was), but he’d avoid it anyway. So for now, holding her face and hearing her say those words while he kept her as close as he could would do, and all he’d generally have to do now is go back to taking things slowly. He could do this. He could; he’d tried before but things had gotten out of hand. But now things that were out of hand were off into the sea, floating forever away to wherever this body of water led. Now that he’d had the experience, Denny could keep the events from reoccurring. So he stood there, happy because he really was and knowing what he was going to do without actually having a set plan.

And now that he’d thought about it, he didn’t have a plan because he didn’t know what the next step would be. His house? But there were so many tempting memories, so many things he needed to fix up there before he even wanted Annie through the door. The little amount of dishes he’d used had piled up for three weeks. His sheets probably smelled like a body that hadn’t showered in days, because Denny had stopped caring after a while. Or maybe he’d just been too occupied with the loss of his wits to have even noticed he’d stopped bathing until this morning. There were probably feathers all over his floor from the last time he’d shifted, but the day after he’d actually gone food shopping. Still, there was probably something rotting in his fridge, not that he thought Annie would go snooping in there any time soon. His living room was probably dusty and the windows all over his apartment were probably impossible to see out of. He’d just lost a hold on hygiene, completely lost his grip on his own place for three weeks. He was lucky he remembered he had a rent check deadline to make, which he just barely did. He had so much to do before Annie could come over, but he wasn’t sure if asking her to go to her place was the best idea. Sure, he loved her place, but if they were starting from some point between the firs time he’d told her he loved her and Thanksgiving, he wasn’t so sure that going to her place and tempting themselves was a good idea either. It really all puzzled him because neither of them turned into rabbits, so why the fuck would either of their places be tempting? Denny really just didn’t want Annie to see how much of a sleepless, flightless, heartless monster he’d become without his mind.

But Denny couldn’t sit there in silence and know that things were going to get better. Silence fixed nothing, he knew. At least, that’s what he thought he knew. Silence hadn’t fixed the fact that his confidence was shot due to a certain secret he’d kept between himself, Annie, and his sister. Silence had ended him in Juvenile Detention. Silence had ended him with a chain on his ankle every time he went outside like he was a flamingo instead of a Vulture. Silence hadn’t fixed the fact that he resorted to that creepy, dark, extremely volatile time in his life because of silence. Therefore, he couldn’t just stand there and look at Annie without saying anything, even though he really could have. “Always remember that.” He was talking about his ‘I love you’ to Annie. He wanted her to always remember because there were going to be times in the coming……Denny didn’t even know how long where she would ask him why she was worth so much to him, and he knew it first and foremost. There would be countless times where she would try to get off of the burning, off of the bulimia and she would be so irritable that any other guy would have turned away and found some normal, easy, challenge-less girl. During those times, he would tell her to remember that he loved her, and he’d of course bring up his promise. Forever yours, if you’re forever mine. It would always run through his mind at the most necessary moments, and because of knowing that it almost sickened him to think that that particular promise had been broken and torn up into tiny little pieces for the ocean to eat up and spit somewhere else, to someone else with someone else that they were in love with.

“I love you too much to let you slip away.” For the moment, Denny didn’t care if that was going too fast. He had to let Annie know just so she would know why she was so worth it to him. His lips reached up a bit and kissed her forehead, knowing that would good enough for now. His hand stayed where they were, holding her where she was, keeping them on the beach where they were together. “And because of that, I will try to fix you.”



1911 -- seren/annie only <3 -- outfit! -- okay i was too lazy to make an image so it goes to caution. words go to me. lyrics go to we the kings. -- denny stfu stop talking.